Pam Ayres’ ‘I Wish I’d Looked After Me Teeth’ as it might have been written by John Milton



O teeth, I would I’d shown thee better care,

Else seal’d my lips to form a bulwark ‘gainst                                                                              

Such sweetmeats as have spell’d thy gradual doom.

Are any of thee worthy still to claim

The name of tooth when thou art chiefly made

Of precious metals, not of natural stuff?

If only I had used my purse to buy

More wholesome fare, or scour’d thee with a brush

In such a manner as I’d been advis’d,

That perfect string of lustrous pearls the Lord

Benevolently gifted me in youth

Might yet endure entire within my maw:

This dread contraption would not be my seat

And nor these chasmal nostrils now my view.

O Teeth, I Would I'd Shown Thee Better Care