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If you can keep the British public fearful
  Of foreign devils streaming through Calais, 
If you can stay unflappable and cheerful
  At all the ghastly things your cronies say,
If you can stick at climate-change denial 
  Despite the mess we’re making of the planet,
You'll probably be able to beguile 
  The swivel-eyed electors of South Thanet.

If you can make the Tories do the conga
  To any horrid tune you care to play, 
If you can keep insisting all our wonga 
  Is sent to Eurocrats and pissed away,
And tell us that our borders are too porous
  Despite the fact you've got a German spouse,
You're sure to join the crypto-fascist chorus
  That's growing in Westminster's Lower House.

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If (Version for Nigel Farage)