If you can keep the British public fearful
Of foreign devils streaming through Calais,
If you can stay unflappable and cheerful
At all the ghastly things your cronies say,
If you can stick at climate-change denial
Despite the mess we’re making of the planet,
You'll probably be able to beguile
The swivel-eyed electors of South Thanet.
If you can make the Tories do the conga
To any horrid tune you care to play,
If you can keep insisting all our wonga
Is sent to Eurocrats and pissed away,
And tell us that our borders are too porous
Despite the fact you've got a German spouse,
You're sure to join the crypto-fascist chorus
That's growing in Westminster's Lower House.
If (Version for Nigel Farage)